Ode to My Father

A person can only hurt you when they hold a special heart in your heart. As much as I hate to admit it, you do stay in my heart, because you’re my dearest family. We do have a long history of love and hate relationship, but the nature of our relationship always let love prevail. Not anymore. Your cruel and thoughtless words are like a sharp blade you strike through my vulnerable heart over and over again. Now it’s bleeding profusely, and I’m dying inside.

I recalled you once said that each child was different. Like plants, some need water poured every day, while some like cactus, able survive for months without even a single drop of it. Now I know that you were referring to me when you said that. I was and the cactus and still am. It’s fine if you can only manage to give me very little of your love and affection. I can live with that. I don’t need that much anyway.  But it’s hard for me to be okay when you always verbally attack me.  Don’t you forget, I have thorns that can hurt you right back too.

Thank you for making me see a failure and worthless person every time I look in the mirror

Thank you for always wanting things for me that I never cared to do nor have

Thank you for allowing me to believe that I was not worthy of your loving attention

Thank you for making me believe that I could only do so much to create my own future, one that’s free from your limiting view.

Thank you for doing all this.

And now, thank you for making me realize that I was wrong.

I’m going to live anyway.  And I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving that what you’ve done will hurt me no more. Instead I’ll soar high into the sky, going to places you’ve never even dared to imagine.

 I guess it’s about time for me to clear some space for someone far more deserving.

From Me to Me

Today I received a short message I dedicated to myself nearly 8 months ago, supposedly to be open 1 year from then. This was it:

"You know you came all the way to Taiwan for a good reason, so hopefully when you read this letter, you are still making efforts to make it come true. You have come this far, it is an extraordinary achievement in itself. I am so proud of you and wishing all the best for you.

Don't ever give up on your dream, your passion, because without them you are nothing."

With love,


I think it's not a coincidence that it came on the very same day when I'm disappointed with my family. I guess I should only believe in myself and rely on none else but my own.

Family?

10.03 PM

Just got in touch with my family over Skype, after weeks without any news. Now I know why I always feel detached from them. It's becoming clear and clearer. I'm not going to go into details here, but they say family are those who root for you, those who you can turn to when things go wrong. Those who can make you feel better no matter what. But my people are no such things, sadly.

Have a Little Faith in Me

March 6, 2014 12.13 A.M

I thought I was lost and had nowhere to go. But those special people reminded me that it's not the end of it. I still have a long path ahead of me, and I need to find one that belongs. So, I told myself, "Put aside all the worry and fear, take a deep breath, and go on your way with peace within you."

Everything is alright. Everything will turn out great.

Fucked Up, in Dream & Reality

February 23, 2014 11.37 PM

Last night I had a strange dream, quite disturbing one. Disturbing because it involved a scene of a rape between a little girl and a giant man, interestingly, the very same one who starred in Game of Thrones as Hodor.
It was brief, yet so complicated for me.
My dream begins with this little girl wearing hijab being friendly with this man. They both squat, facing each other. And she allows him to penetrate her vagina (out of pity and friendship, maybe). It happens not very long, the atmosphere just seems bleak and sorrowful. The setting is likely to be somewhere hot, near the wire gate. She cries in pain, but end then she just.....smiles, as if accepted the whole situation.

Darn, what does it's supposed to mean?
To relate my dream with my reality, I think right now I'm pretty much in a fucked up situation, a situation that I welcomed willingly, or initiated, or encouraged. The whole college thing has been such a burden to me now, yet I was the one who insisted on it the first time. Kinda ironic, isn't it?
The setting was very unfriendly, which reminds me of a dessert or somewhere in Far East in wartime (My turbulent heart?)
But what bothers me the most is that, in the end the little girl just accepts it. She smiles. Why? Because she finds a resolution at last? But that just doesn't feel right.......

I really want to know the meaning of this dream, every single piece of it. Whether it could give me the answer or at least some thought to ponder. But I don't want to share it with others. What do I do now?

Dead End?

February 22, 2014 1.12 am

     This very particular feeling seems to occur again. The one that I dread the most. The one that initiates the breakdown of my mentality.
     Today marks the fifth day of the new semester's beginning. Instead of being very energetic and excited, I feel so low-spirited and kind of...lost. After the whole hectic last semester came a long break which allowed me to think about what I've been through for the last five months. Frustratingly, I feel that I've learned a lot of stuff yet nothing at all. I really can't tell whether it's the failure of education in general or my own personal one.
     For now I can hide behind shiny numbers which embellish my transcript, but till when? What am I supposed to do now? I want to learn, but not in the way that they make me to. Those who said that college is all about freedom should re-examine their opinion. Freedom is none but limited. I have to take courses that I know will only waste my precious time, working hard for things that remain briefly in my brain. For what? Merely for another near perfect score. If all that I've achieved is represented by all these numbers, then something must be very wrong. But unluckily, who am I to fix it??

A Thought on Wisdom

February 9, 6.15 PM

It just occurred to me out of nowhere, and thought that I'd write it down before it vaporizes and vanishes.

We live in a world of moral degradation and corruptness. It seems that there is a new standard on what is called being good and wise. What's wise in today's standard can't really match up to one in the ancient times. If we read of what these great thinkers in antiquity had to say, we'd be in awe and ashamed at the same time. Why the latter, we might ask? Thousands of years have passed since their time, and arguably we should've developed our mind in a perpetual longer process that we should've been much superior in wisdom. It's true that we're much developed in a way, we have tons of amazing discoveries & inventions to prove it as such. But sadly that doesn't necessarily make us wiser. It's as if our achievements in scientific fields result in the regression of our spirituality growth.

Life is maybe much harder than it used to be. Those wise men way before our years led a life of contentment with so much little they had. Wealth nor materialistic pleasure hadn't become what mattered, instead they strove for ultimate happiness achieved solely by seeking true wisdom. On the other hand, our life has been made way easier thanks to the advanced technology, but we have to deal with more complicated challenges as well. It becomes increasingly difficult just to live happily, or should we put it, to live conveniently. The definiton of happiness has been superficially replaced with a life of full contentment with our achievements in life, such as career, money, social status, etc. In such a competitive time when not so many could have the privilege to have this kind of happiness, we fight fiercely and very often bring ourselves down to a much lesser degree of who we really are as a human being in the process of obtaining it.

Only a handful of us are aware of this sad reality. However, these people are faced with two choices, one being to follow the "wisdom of the crowd"; to live exactly the same kind of life along with the mass with all its superficiality, or to deviate from it and seek their own path, one that leads to the ultimate truth. But those who opt for the latter often find themselves tested by ordeals & turmoils, that it's no way it's ever easy. Instead a great amount of courage and endurance is necessary in order for them to stay true to who they are.

Wisdom is not bestowed upon us for nothing, instead we have to make sacrifices to earn it. Seeking wisdom should be seen as a narrow path promising little of a smooth ride as difficult times await. Understandably, many of us decide to avoid it at all costs, and choose to live in a momentary ignorant bliss. They neglect to realize that the suffering they' might come to experience would be equally rewarding for their spirituality growth. But again, what is the value of retrieving a pearl on the bottom of the ocean for pigs, when they're perfectly content just with wallowing in their mudhole?

Religion: To Have or to Have Not ?

 February 8, 9.58 PM

Remember the problem that I mention in my previous post, the one that my so-called friend disregarded completely? Well, this is it.

To begin with, I've been struggling with my faith for around 10 years now, or even more. It's been too long that I can't hardly remember when my belief took a leap of doubt, meaning that I never held any religion ever since. I was born in Indonesia, where the majority of its people are Muslims, raised in a casual Buddhist family, and went to Christian schools & Catholic high school & university, respectively. I've been exposed to almost every recognized religion in my country, excluding Hinduism and Confucianism, which later on became the 6th religion to be recognized, if I'm not mistaken. Yet, among so many options I couldn't find one where I felt truly belong.

Growing up, I went to Protestant Sunday schools. My memory of it was limited to Bible stories, singing worship songs, and gifts & snacks. However those day were short-lived,  as soon as my beloved grandmother converted her belief to Yi Guan Dao. Here is the link to get you a better idea of what it is about http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yiguandao Even in Indonesia it doesn't have a proper name but mislabeled as Tao. Being a dominant force in the family, my grandma had the whole family converted into Tao believers. As much as I didn't like being forced into something that's not of my own will, I thought of it as acceptable for several reasons. Firstly, it still acknowledges other belief systems, in a way that's still respectable although may not be acceptable to the firm believers of each respective religion. However, it didn't won me over due to the "Oriental" approach (where all the rituals, holy chants are performed and recited in Chinese) , making me guilty for not having the compassionate way of living aka being a vegetarian at least, rigid conventional rules in dealing with how to present yourself to the world (properly covered attire, proper conduct between sexes, etc). 

You might say that I could always go back to my childhood belief, right? WRONG. Even though I went to (Protestant) Christian school for 10+ years, I was never able to affiliate myself with it. The truth is, I really don't know why. With all due respects, I think the Christianity that I know back in Indonesia has been corrupted, & abused in many ways by its money-seeking officials. There are many sects of Christianity in Indonesia, with many brands & branches. I'm not saying that all of them are similarly hedonistic, but these days one is more likely so than not. Regretfully, the ignorant & uncritical will easily find themselves hooked on one of them and treated like an ATM machine. Those churches, their leaders to be exact, will vigorously remind you "your obligation as the children of God", that is to donate your tithe to the church as your token of gratitude. I don't want to discuss this matter any further, but the obligatory concept of tithing is just wrong. Sadly, it's been exploited in a way that benefits these corrupt so-called servants of God. You'd be amazed to know that they have no occupations, yet they manage to live in a mansion and ride a fancy car. Wonder where all that come from!

In the beginning of my adulthood I was introduced to another religion. During my last two years of high school, I lived with my uncle's family, one devoted to Catholic. That and also because I studied at a Catholic school put some weight on its influence on me. At first I thought I'd finally found it. It may sound shallow, but to me Catholic it's a much better version of Christianity. I guess to compare it with Christian is not improper, since they are from one single root if you trace them back to the beginning of its history. Unfortunately, it just lacks of the spirit and aliveness that Christianity offers. Or maybe I wasn't mature enough to really accept it like that, not to mention that those years were the period of most turbulent times in my life. Long story short, after struggling to no avail, I, for once, found myself being all on my own.

Since then so many things have happened. In my highs & lows I found my solace & strength not in religion, but in so many things. Nevertheless I still felt something is missing deep inside, but seeking faith was not so much of a priority back then. 

Years past by, and I'm now in Taiwan, studying at a private Christian university in one of its major cities. Here I got to know the kindest elderly couple I've ever met, whom I regarded almost like my own parents. The husband is the teacher of my German class, while the wife has this bible study group where I attend every Friday morning. At the beginning of my joining the group it was all fine. I wasn't even slightly disappointed when the other girls got their own bible (halfly subsidized) and I didn't. I don't think I was ready for that, because having one means a responsibility to God which I don't think I could take well. On the other hand, I began to think that being a Christian is not really that bad, thanks to the living example that I see with my own eyes. This couple is unlike any Christians I know back in Indonesia, although their firm belief in God is beyond question. Then one incident happened on January 31. They said that they bought me a Bible, and wanted me to pick it up when I had the time. My first reaction to that was...panic & feeling trapped. I assumed that they'd give it to me for free, while others had to pay for it, which only added extra burden to me. Later I learned that I had to pay the same amount as others did, and it released me some of the burden. It's not about how much they spent on me that matters, but the fact that they've treated me with kindness & sincerity will only do so much as to make me feel even more guilty suppose I let them down, in the light of not becoming a Christian eventually.

I'm now quite at a loss. Now the bible is at hand, sitting on the table untouched. She wanted me to read one of the gospels & tell her my opinion on that. I don't even feel like starting though. Should I be true to myself, which means I have to be honest to them about my

not being ready to be a Christian, or more likely not being ready ever ? Despite having inner struggle I can't risk losing the loving affection that I've received from them, and I really don't know what to do. In a way I fear that they're the kind of people that will turn their back once I can't live up to their wish, which is very mean of me to do so. But then you can't never know what's in a person's heart until it's proven, right? As for now, I'd rather not know the truth. A mentor whom I look up to strongly suggested me to tell them the truth in a direct way that's unthinkable for me, let alone to do it. I can't blame him for he knows me inside out: living a lie will do so much to deny me of my power & my strength, such a pitiable life that is. All I can do meanwhile is to truly give this a thought and make up my mind, and then take actions accordingly. Honesty could be the best policy, but maybe for another day....

This however brought up some questions: Is having a religion so important? People nowadays have one, but many of them seem to lost their way and not doing so much better than their atheist peers. Another is, if every religion is good and true in essence, why one feel the need to convert others to one of his own in order for them to be rightful of salvation? Is salvation an exclusive thing belonging to certain community? Lastly, if many eventually leads to the same destination, does it really matter through what we get there, for example one not recognized as a religion?

All these questions, for some people, may remain unanswered during their lifetime. I just wish I could have the wisdom to know the truth in each of them while I'm still here.

I Guess It's Just Me After All *Sigh*

February 3, 2014 2.50 am

Again, couldn't sleep. My body is exhausted yet my mind's restless. There are things that got me a little bit upset today, and I'm ashamed to admit that it mostly had something to do with my non-compromising attitude. 

 I met a good friend here in Taichung. We're of the same age, although she's 2 years my senior in college (She's a junior, I'm a freshman). We're in good terms, and I feel comfortable being with her, due to her maturity and deep insight. Yet, lately I found many obnoxious things about her. I'm not proud of feeling this way, because it's really not a big deal. But somehow I feel so annoyed that I think I need to write about it. 

When we were on a bus to a night market in the city, I talked to her about my problem (which I'm gonna post later), and got very little response. She took it very lightly as if tried to disregard it and change the topic to her own liking. What else if not about her professor/dream guy. To tell the truth, I'm bored already everytime she mentioned about him. I got the sense that the professor's somehow didn't see her the way she wanted him to. Why? Well, maybe because he feels that it's a bit inappropriate to have a romantic relationship with his own student, or ex-student in this matter. She hasn't received a reply from him until now when he's been in the city for several days, when he'd promised her to contact her when he's here, isn't it obvious already? Yet she chose to be ignorant and avoid the reality that he might not be that into her. That's right. I wanted to tell her that but I didn't cause it seems too mean. As a friend I want to be supportive, but hey, I expect better from someone as smart as she is! Oh why can't she suck it up and move on already??

Another thing is that, I feel that she's now too comfortable with me, in a way that she shows no hesitance in asking favors. I know that she's a bit short on money, so she's always being careful with spending it. That I can totally understand, but I don't like it that when I bought the food she just bluntly asked for some. Yeah, I might sound too stingy, but as for me, I'd rather seal up my craving or buy some myself. I could see that she wanted to eat, but didn't want to spend anything if she could. This kind of attitude's just a bit unclassy to me. It's fine if you take free samples if you're hungry, but when it comes to eating your friend's food, either being offered to do so or asking for it your self, at least you can show some decency with not taking as little as you can. That's how I was taught and raised. Not to mention that beforehand she asked me whether I have some pimple cream for treating her newly pimple outbreak. Which to me it's actually nothing compared to mine (Why don't you just let your skin heal itself, really?)  Sometimes people just try to be polite and doesn't mean what they say, so be wise by not exploiting their kindness.

Last, but not least, she makes me feel uncomfortable about my spending. Because of what I told her, she was under the impression of me being under rough financial situation. In a way it's not a false truth, but it's not entirely true either. Although I'm determined to be as prudent with my money as I can, every now and then I feel the urge to splurge on something, take snacks or stationery for example. And I actually can still afford that. I feel sorry for her having to work long hours of part-time jobs to support herself, but that doesn't make her have the right to be my advisor in regard to what I should or shouldn't buy. Just this afternoon when she swung by to my room, she saw my new coat. I bought it some days ago, and deliberately didn't tell her about it. She complimented it, and asked how much I bought it for; " Is it more than 500 dollars? No? 1000 perhaps?" What the hell? Sorry, but I'm not comfortable being asked in that kind of tone (I can't describe it, but it just makes you feel uneasy to tell). Generally I don't mind being asked this kind of question, but there are some exceptions I guess. And since money is a delicate matter for her, I couldn't understand why she had to take the trouble poking around someone else's business. If I were her I'd rather not know, see what I mean?

When we walked past a store which sells these beautiful coats, I couldn't help but stop by and caress the one I like and flip the price tag. You know what she did? She whisked me away from there, saying "You already have a new one". WHAT THE HECK.

Needless to say that this is not the first time to happen. Everytime I'm getting close to somebody as a friend, I always find things in her/him that I can hardly accept, like this one. Is it wrong that in order to mantain my good relationship with anybody, I must set some boundary and let no closeness, or rather too much of it, come between us? It's just like the saying: "the abscence makes the heart grow fonder". I don't know....

The Beginning of My Journey

February 2, 2014  5.13 am

Should I introduce myself first? 

My first time writing on my own blog, and I have no idea what to write.

To make it simple, I'm an ordinary soon-to-be thirty girl (obviously insecure about it) trying to rediscover herself, about who she wants to be and do with her life. 

And never each day goes by without her realizing that being true to herself is hard. 

She doesn't know what she's going to tell next, it can be about everything from her opinion of a movie or her ranting about an annoying incident. But everything here will be honest, un-retouched, un-candycoatted. Because maybe this is the only place for her to be her only self and try to figure out who is that person, really.

I guess this is it for now. Time to return to Dreamland, reversed for the third time in a row today.