Ode to My Father

A person can only hurt you when they hold a special heart in your heart. As much as I hate to admit it, you do stay in my heart, because you’re my dearest family. We do have a long history of love and hate relationship, but the nature of our relationship always let love prevail. Not anymore. Your cruel and thoughtless words are like a sharp blade you strike through my vulnerable heart over and over again. Now it’s bleeding profusely, and I’m dying inside.

I recalled you once said that each child was different. Like plants, some need water poured every day, while some like cactus, able survive for months without even a single drop of it. Now I know that you were referring to me when you said that. I was and the cactus and still am. It’s fine if you can only manage to give me very little of your love and affection. I can live with that. I don’t need that much anyway.  But it’s hard for me to be okay when you always verbally attack me.  Don’t you forget, I have thorns that can hurt you right back too.

Thank you for making me see a failure and worthless person every time I look in the mirror

Thank you for always wanting things for me that I never cared to do nor have

Thank you for allowing me to believe that I was not worthy of your loving attention

Thank you for making me believe that I could only do so much to create my own future, one that’s free from your limiting view.

Thank you for doing all this.

And now, thank you for making me realize that I was wrong.

I’m going to live anyway.  And I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving that what you’ve done will hurt me no more. Instead I’ll soar high into the sky, going to places you’ve never even dared to imagine.

 I guess it’s about time for me to clear some space for someone far more deserving.

From Me to Me

Today I received a short message I dedicated to myself nearly 8 months ago, supposedly to be open 1 year from then. This was it:

"You know you came all the way to Taiwan for a good reason, so hopefully when you read this letter, you are still making efforts to make it come true. You have come this far, it is an extraordinary achievement in itself. I am so proud of you and wishing all the best for you.

Don't ever give up on your dream, your passion, because without them you are nothing."

With love,


I think it's not a coincidence that it came on the very same day when I'm disappointed with my family. I guess I should only believe in myself and rely on none else but my own.

Family?

10.03 PM

Just got in touch with my family over Skype, after weeks without any news. Now I know why I always feel detached from them. It's becoming clear and clearer. I'm not going to go into details here, but they say family are those who root for you, those who you can turn to when things go wrong. Those who can make you feel better no matter what. But my people are no such things, sadly.

Have a Little Faith in Me

March 6, 2014 12.13 A.M

I thought I was lost and had nowhere to go. But those special people reminded me that it's not the end of it. I still have a long path ahead of me, and I need to find one that belongs. So, I told myself, "Put aside all the worry and fear, take a deep breath, and go on your way with peace within you."

Everything is alright. Everything will turn out great.

Fucked Up, in Dream & Reality

February 23, 2014 11.37 PM

Last night I had a strange dream, quite disturbing one. Disturbing because it involved a scene of a rape between a little girl and a giant man, interestingly, the very same one who starred in Game of Thrones as Hodor.
It was brief, yet so complicated for me.
My dream begins with this little girl wearing hijab being friendly with this man. They both squat, facing each other. And she allows him to penetrate her vagina (out of pity and friendship, maybe). It happens not very long, the atmosphere just seems bleak and sorrowful. The setting is likely to be somewhere hot, near the wire gate. She cries in pain, but end then she just.....smiles, as if accepted the whole situation.

Darn, what does it's supposed to mean?
To relate my dream with my reality, I think right now I'm pretty much in a fucked up situation, a situation that I welcomed willingly, or initiated, or encouraged. The whole college thing has been such a burden to me now, yet I was the one who insisted on it the first time. Kinda ironic, isn't it?
The setting was very unfriendly, which reminds me of a dessert or somewhere in Far East in wartime (My turbulent heart?)
But what bothers me the most is that, in the end the little girl just accepts it. She smiles. Why? Because she finds a resolution at last? But that just doesn't feel right.......

I really want to know the meaning of this dream, every single piece of it. Whether it could give me the answer or at least some thought to ponder. But I don't want to share it with others. What do I do now?

Dead End?

February 22, 2014 1.12 am

     This very particular feeling seems to occur again. The one that I dread the most. The one that initiates the breakdown of my mentality.
     Today marks the fifth day of the new semester's beginning. Instead of being very energetic and excited, I feel so low-spirited and kind of...lost. After the whole hectic last semester came a long break which allowed me to think about what I've been through for the last five months. Frustratingly, I feel that I've learned a lot of stuff yet nothing at all. I really can't tell whether it's the failure of education in general or my own personal one.
     For now I can hide behind shiny numbers which embellish my transcript, but till when? What am I supposed to do now? I want to learn, but not in the way that they make me to. Those who said that college is all about freedom should re-examine their opinion. Freedom is none but limited. I have to take courses that I know will only waste my precious time, working hard for things that remain briefly in my brain. For what? Merely for another near perfect score. If all that I've achieved is represented by all these numbers, then something must be very wrong. But unluckily, who am I to fix it??

A Thought on Wisdom

February 9, 6.15 PM

It just occurred to me out of nowhere, and thought that I'd write it down before it vaporizes and vanishes.

We live in a world of moral degradation and corruptness. It seems that there is a new standard on what is called being good and wise. What's wise in today's standard can't really match up to one in the ancient times. If we read of what these great thinkers in antiquity had to say, we'd be in awe and ashamed at the same time. Why the latter, we might ask? Thousands of years have passed since their time, and arguably we should've developed our mind in a perpetual longer process that we should've been much superior in wisdom. It's true that we're much developed in a way, we have tons of amazing discoveries & inventions to prove it as such. But sadly that doesn't necessarily make us wiser. It's as if our achievements in scientific fields result in the regression of our spirituality growth.

Life is maybe much harder than it used to be. Those wise men way before our years led a life of contentment with so much little they had. Wealth nor materialistic pleasure hadn't become what mattered, instead they strove for ultimate happiness achieved solely by seeking true wisdom. On the other hand, our life has been made way easier thanks to the advanced technology, but we have to deal with more complicated challenges as well. It becomes increasingly difficult just to live happily, or should we put it, to live conveniently. The definiton of happiness has been superficially replaced with a life of full contentment with our achievements in life, such as career, money, social status, etc. In such a competitive time when not so many could have the privilege to have this kind of happiness, we fight fiercely and very often bring ourselves down to a much lesser degree of who we really are as a human being in the process of obtaining it.

Only a handful of us are aware of this sad reality. However, these people are faced with two choices, one being to follow the "wisdom of the crowd"; to live exactly the same kind of life along with the mass with all its superficiality, or to deviate from it and seek their own path, one that leads to the ultimate truth. But those who opt for the latter often find themselves tested by ordeals & turmoils, that it's no way it's ever easy. Instead a great amount of courage and endurance is necessary in order for them to stay true to who they are.

Wisdom is not bestowed upon us for nothing, instead we have to make sacrifices to earn it. Seeking wisdom should be seen as a narrow path promising little of a smooth ride as difficult times await. Understandably, many of us decide to avoid it at all costs, and choose to live in a momentary ignorant bliss. They neglect to realize that the suffering they' might come to experience would be equally rewarding for their spirituality growth. But again, what is the value of retrieving a pearl on the bottom of the ocean for pigs, when they're perfectly content just with wallowing in their mudhole?